Monday, May 11, 2009

Top 10 Comedy Jokes Images

May 11th Monday











World Really funny jokes-Athlete

May 11nd Monday

There was an athlete who wanted to accept a scholarship to a well-known college. To be awarded it, however, he had to pass a physical, since it was an athletic scholarship.When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marjuana.The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.All was fine -- he thought!!Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer.""WHY?" asked Tim."We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"
Adult jokes-New sales associate
When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company, got home from the office, his wife couldn't help noticing that his tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair disheveled, he smelled of perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick. "Rough day at the office" she commented."Not too bad," he said nonchalantly. "Had to break in a new sales associate, but I think she'll work out.""Does she take shorthand" asked his wife. ""No," blurted Felix, "but she gives it."

Really funny jokes-Something wrong!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.'Congratulations, ' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...'Sum Ting Wong
Kids jokes-Patience
Out Christmas shopping, my friend Darin noticed a mother with three little girls and a baby. The woman's patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama" while she tried to shop. Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes."A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."
Adult jokes-Black eye



Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face.""Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."
Short funny jokes-Malady
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day.After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
Really funny jokes-Little Tony
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you...
Clean jokes-Wrong bus
A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"


There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers."Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything.""Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not Adult jokes-Compulsive gambler
want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten

teacher to warn her of his son."Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"The teacher says she will try.So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet."Now Johnny, I trust that you will never

make any bets ever again."Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."The father is quite curious as to how she did it."Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong.""Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!""Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point."That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"

Top I0 Really funny jokes-Best comeback News 2009

Best Really Funny jockes 2009

01 :If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene? "A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"A: "The officer who responded to the scene."Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"A: "Yes, sir. With my life."Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"A: "Yes sir, we do!"Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"A: "Yes sir, I do."Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"A: "Yes sir."Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's " Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

02: A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."The lawyer says, "No problem."He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them."My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"


03: Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta dies on Monday and goes to heaven.When she gets there, St. Peter greets her at the gate and tells her,"Sorry, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta, but, heaven is full. Hell has an opening, and I will do my best to get you up here by the end of the week."So, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta goes to hell to await St. Peter's summons. When she gets there, she finds out that there is going to be a HUGE orgy on Friday, and she is horrified that she might still be there for that.She begins, immediately, to call St. Peter up in heaven. "Hello, St Peter? This is Sister Margaret, who you sent to hell temporarily, and you have GOT to get me out of here, as they are having an orgy in three days!" St. Peter responds that he is doing the best he can, and to check back the next day, Wednesday.On Wednesday, Sister Margaret again calls St. Peter, pleading and begging to be let into heaven, to no avail.On Thursday, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta calls St. Peter."PLEASE, St. Peter! You have GOT to get me out of here! The orgy is tomorrow, and I can't be here for that!! PLEASE!!!!" St. Peter, again, assures her that he will get her out of there before the orgy.Friday comes and goes, no calls to St. Peter.On Saturday morning, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta calls St. Peter again and says, "Hey, Pete? This is Madge. Skip the transfer!"


04: Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'The Chief nodded in agreement.The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


05 : It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."


06: Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black."Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
Humor jokes-Puns


07: A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Adult jokes-Young bride


08 : The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter."Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something.""Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?""Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?""Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
Really funny jokes-Danny


09: The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him.""Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
Adult jokes-Racing car driver


10: The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish.""What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"