Top I0 Really funny jokes-Best comeback News 2009

Best Really Funny jockes 2009

01 :If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene? "A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"A: "The officer who responded to the scene."Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"A: "Yes, sir. With my life."Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"A: "Yes sir, we do!"Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"A: "Yes sir, I do."Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"A: "Yes sir."Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's " Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

02: A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."The lawyer says, "No problem."He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them."My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"


03: Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta dies on Monday and goes to heaven.When she gets there, St. Peter greets her at the gate and tells her,"Sorry, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta, but, heaven is full. Hell has an opening, and I will do my best to get you up here by the end of the week."So, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta goes to hell to await St. Peter's summons. When she gets there, she finds out that there is going to be a HUGE orgy on Friday, and she is horrified that she might still be there for that.She begins, immediately, to call St. Peter up in heaven. "Hello, St Peter? This is Sister Margaret, who you sent to hell temporarily, and you have GOT to get me out of here, as they are having an orgy in three days!" St. Peter responds that he is doing the best he can, and to check back the next day, Wednesday.On Wednesday, Sister Margaret again calls St. Peter, pleading and begging to be let into heaven, to no avail.On Thursday, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta calls St. Peter."PLEASE, St. Peter! You have GOT to get me out of here! The orgy is tomorrow, and I can't be here for that!! PLEASE!!!!" St. Peter, again, assures her that he will get her out of there before the orgy.Friday comes and goes, no calls to St. Peter.On Saturday morning, Sister Margaret Elizabeth Henrietta calls St. Peter again and says, "Hey, Pete? This is Madge. Skip the transfer!"


04: Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'The Chief nodded in agreement.The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


05 : It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."


06: Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black."Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
Humor jokes-Puns


07: A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Adult jokes-Young bride


08 : The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter."Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something.""Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?""Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?""Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
Really funny jokes-Danny


09: The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him.""Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
Adult jokes-Racing car driver


10: The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish.""What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"